Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Addiction of Comparison


I have decided that I need to write (for mostly my benefit) the thoughts and feelings I’ve been having. The last three days have been extremely depressing. I have been so weak, my energy stores so depleted, that I wasn’t able to get out of bed for three days. This hurts. I am not that person. I am not that person who EVER watches movies all day or leaves the dishes in the sink undone. I am not that person who only gets up to eat and pee. But for the last three days I was that person. Something happened and this pregnancy sickness really took over.

 If it was only the migraines, dizziness, and muscle fatigue, I could still probably handle it. But it’s this insane amount of vomit that projects itself from my throat almost anytime I stand up that really gets me. You’d think I’d learn to just not eat. And I’ve tried that. I’m so exhausted from the constant efforts to try to refuel my aching body; but to not eat sends me into a fit of dry heaving. The dry heaving becomes so severe that blood vessels burst all over my face, neck and chest… and I’m left shaking on the bathroom floor.

Yes, it is that bad.

And that worse part? I hate that this is me. This is my reality. And it makes me depressed and angry. Why? Why do I have to experience this? I hear from other pregnant girls my age that they never felt sick at all (especially not in their second trimester), haven’t lost or gained a pound, and feel a constant prego glow from their cheeks. When I hear this I can’t help but compare myself to them.

I compare to their skinny bodies my ever-growing butt that seems in competition with my belly, despite the rollercoaster of nutrition that I am on. I compare my scarce ability to walk around the block to women I know who are planning marathon runs in their third trimester. And yes, I compare myself to my friends who are already third trimester and barely showing at all. I feel like a ship packing on the cargo for a long and trying journey.

Not only do I compare myself to others, I compare my current self to the me of the past. I compare my swollen, tired body to when I was dancing all day on the Brigham Young University Ballroom Dance Company. Man, was I in shape then. I compare myself to me just last spring, when I finished top 10 females in one of the Nation’s most challenging and acclaimed half marathons. I compare myself now to before I was pregnant, when the dishes were sparkling clean and a warm meal welcomed Ben home every night. I compare myself to when I was able to work two jobs, bringing home good money for our savings.

I can compare myself to just about anything and anyone if I get going. I can do this because it is an addiction. It is addicting to pity myself and ask, “Why me? Why now?” It is addicting to expect life to come easy and without hardship. It is addicting to let my pride rule my thoughts as I justify comparison. But any addiction is dangerous, and I’ve realized it has led me down a hard road.

During these last exceptionally hard days I asked Ben to give me a blessing. The words of this prayer touched me so deeply and so profoundly that I found myself indescribably humbled. I was told to be grateful. Be grateful for the hardship I am going through; because it is only through this hardship that I will truly understand the suffering of my Lord, Jesus Christ. In all my discomfort and illness to bring forth a new life, I will begin to comprehend the suffering Christ went through to bring us all New Life. This is my own Gethsemane. The words of the hymn Where Can I Turn for Peace describe it best:

Where, when my aching grows,

Where, when I languish,

Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.


I have felt that my whole life I’ve emphasized the Savior’s understanding of our pain. I’ve borne testimony that He knows all our pains and sorrows. I still believe that with all the conviction of my heart. However, never before have I sought to understand His pain, and His suffering. Up to now, all my pain has been for my own sake, centered on me. Now that I have this amazing life growing within me I know that my suffering is for someone else. And even though my hardship is so small in comparison, I am grateful to have this miniscule understanding of what suffering out of love for another is like.

This experience is definitely not over. I imagine actually giving birth will be more excruciating than I can imagine; but I feel at peace now. I know that I am blessed to have knowledge of God’s tender mercies. I am blessed to know that I can turn to Him for peace. And more than anything, I feel blessed that my loving Heavenly Father gives me these experiences for my own growth and strength. I cannot compare my journey of progression to anyone else’s. It is my own travels, my own experiences that will shape me into who I am to become. There is no comparison there. 

6 comments:

  1. Bless you my dear. Bless all of us who were so sick. This is when I tell you to go out and buy B6 and unisom sleep tablets. Take a b6 before bed with half of the unisom. it will save your life. it is totally safe as well, the doctor told me to do it.

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  2. Aw girl, I'm sorry your pregnancy is so hard. I've never been pregnant but I've experienced the same feelings of comparison and self-pity (and ballroom nostalgia!) after I moved to DC, especially during my long illness last fall. I'm glad you've found peace in the atonement and priesthood blessings - that's the ultimate source of comfort! Romans 8:28 always helps me. Keep your chin up :)

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  3. Good luck sweetie!! Everyone is different, every PREGNANCY is different. I know it's so hard when you are in the middle of it, but it is so worth it! Growing another human being is super hard work, and you can do it. And don't you dare compare your pre baby body to yourself right now. Give yourself some grace and patience and do what you gotta do to survive right now. It well get better...eventually.

    And I second the unisom/b6. Doesn't hurt to try, and it totally helped me too.

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  4. Thank you so much for your insights. Believe it or not, this post is actually making me feel better about delivering soon. My due date is tomorrow and I have been scared stiff but at the same time, hoping he will come. I never though about my suffering as like the suffering of Christ. I really am suffering out of love for my child and that makes me even more determined for delivery to come. Thank you so much for this change in perspective and I hope you get better.

    I never tried Unisom or B6, I just ate anything salty (tortilla chips, saltines, french fried, etc) and that seemed to help me. I tried ginger too and it didn't taste very good, but you could try it.

    Hope you get better!

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  5. This was beautiful. Man I'm so sorry Callista! You are so strong and have proven that you can do hard things (running a half marathon, ballroom and for me a personally really hard thing.. having sparkling dishes and dinner ready every night!). You are wonder woman and seriously one of the most amazing I know. I hope you feel better soon!!

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  6. Oh Callista, I am so sorry for your suffering! And yet, I am very grateful that you have shared this experience on your blog. It truly is beautiful and brings warmth to my heart. In fact, to be completely honest, I (being 21 weeks pregnant and can only count on one hand the number of times I've thrown up) am even a little jealous of you. I am jealous of the fact that you get to grow so much from this experience and become that much closer to your baby. You are right, it is a blessing, in a crazy disguise. Goodness the Lord truly does work in mysterious ways. I pray that you will get feeling better soon. You have probably already tried this, but have you been eating saltine soda crackers and 7 up or sprite? Those have saved my nausea. And as far as comparing yourself and your body... oh my goodness, I CANNOT TELL YOU how many times I and many other girls have compared our bodies to yours and wished we had yours! I am NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU!! You have a beautiful body! One of the most perfect bodies I have seen, and it is even more perfect now that it is growing another beautiful human being. :) Anyway, you are WAY too hard on yourself and I guarantee you that you are MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL than you give yourself credit. :) Love you and I hope everything gets better. :)

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