LONELY. SO LONELY. Ben has been at his clinics rotation
for 12 freaking hours!!! This is his first day!! I really hope this doesn’t
forewarn of how it will be the next two years. I MISS HIM!! Today was a hard
day as I felt so dizzy and still nauseated all the time. Will this sickness
ever end?! I tried running and was pooped out after 3 miles. But hey, I did 3
miles! Better than nothing…even if I did sit on my butt most of the rest of the
day. I find myself day dreaming of the days when I can throw caution to the
wind and run as fast as I can. The wind in my hair, breath coming in and out in
a refreshing pattern, and the steady beat of my feet hitting the pavement. Oh! I can just feel it now! But alas, my body
can barely jog without me passing out from overheating. Ugh. The thought of a
treadmill—my one true exercise buddy—now sends me reeling in disgust. I guess
the good thing is that this pregnancy has taught me to love running outside…yet
I fear this cool weather won’t last long. I better use it while it lasts!
Tomorrow I get that test to find out if my baby is a boy
or girl…as well as if it has down syndrome or trisomy 13 or other disorders. To
be honest I have been salivating with excitement for this day for a long time
now…but suddenly I have cold feet. What if my baby has downs? For the rest of
my pregnancy I might feel regret, anger, frustration, and sadness. Wouldn’t it
be better to not have known? I know that I will love my baby no matter the
condition, but to have the next six months be ones of dread would be really
hard. However, I have faith. I am going to raise this baby to be a good member
of the church, a missionary to all, and a strong character. I will give my all,
my everything, for this child. I will sacrifice all my resources to raise this
baby with all the love in the world. I already dream and hope and long for the
day when I can take this baby to church, to read scriptures to it, and to sing
hymns together.
Truth be told as I write this, I only see a son. I have a
feeling this baby is a boy. I see myself raising him to be a righteous
missionary and leader. As I imagine myself holding my baby, it’s a him.
Honestly, if tomorrow reveals it as a girl I WILL BE SHOCKED!. But still happy.
I admit I have a greater fear having a girl, I’m afraid of my own
insecuritites. So in fact a girl may be the best thing to teach me
selflessness…but maybe God is going to break those lessons easy and give me a
boy first. Like I said, either a boy or a girl, I will be ecstatic. I’m just so
looking forward to being a mommy. Especially after days like today, when I’ve
not a soul to talk to or be with.
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